The FMQs Sketch: Summer Pudding

The last day of the semester is supposed to be a bloodbath. You’re supposed to huddle behind your umbrella while the party leaders try to ruin each other’s summer.

The goal is to hit the perfect sour note so that your opponent is left unaided and murderously tricked. Basically, it’s fun for the whole family.

Douglas Ross ignored this golden rule.

To avoid becoming a target himself, the Scottish Tory boss played it safe and started an NHS scandal.

Labour’s Anas Sarwar followed suit, moving forward with the long-lost Covid inquiry in Scotland.

This is “an incredibly important issue,” said Humza Yousaf.

The First Minister says most things were excitement though.

“Could you please stop having conversations across the aisles,” Chairwoman Alison Johnstone told thumb-twistering MSPs. “It makes it very difficult to hear.” The lucky one.

Liberal Democrat Alex Cole-Hamilton passionately advocated “reinforced aerated concrete”.

One of those miracle materials from the 1960s that inevitably breaks down today, endangering the roofs, walls and floors of schools and hospitals, he said.

“A light and bubbly material. If you think about the inside of an aero bar, you get the idea.”

No wonder it’s weird, everyone thought. I’m surprised it didn’t melt years ago.

“I’m not trying to scare people,” Mr. Cole-Hamilton continued, donning a clown mask. “But it could cost tens or hundreds of millions of pounds to repair.”

After another dry spell (“Can I have a question, Ms Lennon?”), color and clutter returned as Tory asked Meghan Gallacher about education cuts.

Mr Yousaf was enthusiastic and said it was the British government’s fault.

“Garbage!” roared Tory Stephen Kerr, a loud, baggy man made of scraps of flesh.

“I ask Stephen Kerr to resist any temptation to contribute, especially if the contribution is not necessarily polite,” said Ms Johnstone, whose patience was running out.

Finally, Green Maggie Chapman tried to ask about the UK Government’s asylum seeker policy for Rwanda, but Mrs Johnstone was quick to turn it down.

Parliament’s Rules of Procedure state that FMQs are matters of the Scottish Government.

“It’s not entirely clear to me whether this question satisfies the requirement that FMQs are completed with.”

Seeing all sorts of random nonsense breaking through, the SNP’s MSPs were outraged, the PO glared, a delighted Mr. Kerr slapped his desk with his paw and “screams of shame” erupted.

It was the perfect sour note to tease everyone before the break. Tune in again on September 7th.

Grace Reader

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