Recently, during an improv rehearsal, a woman I knew pretty well from the comedy scene looked at her watch (I know, I know) and was like, “Oops! I have to go home and walk my dogs!” Normal thing to say; But keep in mind that I’ve known this person for a few years, followed her on social media, and had absolutely no idea she had a dog, let alone several. We weren’t close friends, but we did improv comedy together! It’s generally humiliating and vulnerable—marking at least one level of unlocked intimacy.
“A dog?” I exclaimed. “A new dog???”
“No! I’ve had them for about five or six years,” she told me, continuing to pack her bag. She?! Five or six years? What didn’t I know about her? Was she the damn President of France?! I headed to Instagram to see if I just hadn’t registered the many photos of her dogs. nope! There weren’t any. your twitter? No mention! Did these dogs really exist? What’s a dog if not an excuse to post? But these supposed dogs, as I later confirmed through our mutual friends, actually existed.
It was an absolutely delightful revelation and I am now convinced that the best dogs are secret dogs. This category of dogs is rare because dogs, as a species, inherently tend to make themselves known. Learning that a mystery dog exists immediately piques your interest, much like a crush that pays no attention to you. What’s so great about their life that they don’t even bother being on your radar?
Also similar to an unrequited crush, when a dog is so elusive it naturally makes it seem like he has no flaws. It does not bark or snap at people. It doesn’t pee on the carpet. It won’t eat discarded chicken bones off the sidewalk that will later splinter in its guts and net you a $1700 hospital bill. No, I’m convinced that people with secret dogs just don’t have dog issues. It’s just a secure bond between man and his low-maintenance best friend, very different from my own attachment style.
It should be noted that I have similar feelings towards clandestine husbands and clandestine wives, provided they are not kept secret out of embarrassment or lack of enthusiasm. So maybe, as the kind of person who will walk you through the intricacies of any divorce in my extended family within a day of meeting me, am I really obsessed with people who have… boundaries? Hm. Good for you.
https://jezebel.com/the-best-dogs-are-secret-dogs-1849632817 The best dogs are secret dogs