The 10 best vibrators, sex toys and sucking simulators for women

Image for article titled I Tried 20 Vibrators. Here are the ones worth renouncing humans for.

photo: Picture(Instagram)/Lady

I haven’t shagged lately.

I was damn tired. I was bloody drunk. And I was damn entertained by the sheer comedy that is my new and unexpected single life. But I haven’t shagged, and that doesn’t suit me.

As a woman on the cusp of another decade turn – the third decade, if you’re dying to know – I came into contact with my divine feminine spirit and my sexuality and all that played an integral part in the whole process of growing up. It touches this whole well-seasoned woman, the folklore of aging like fine wine: the older we get, the better we should know ourselves, our bodies and what makes them tick.

Most adults spend much of their waking day living inside their heads, exercising the same parts of their brains, until the clock strikes five: a normal person in a normal body trying to remember what all these are for body parts were originally created. Outside of work, we should remember to live in our bodies – get off autopilot, reconnect, and get going feeling again. Yet far too many adult women (including myself prominently) can identify two, maybe three, ways to make themselves cum. I have a precious life, and without a partner, will I settle for three basic pleasures?

Until recently, I was a chronic relationship person, and “pleasure” was limited to a couple’s straight king-size-cis-bed with a somewhat boring combined imagination. Aside from the old-fashioned birds-and-the-bees dance, I’m totally inexperienced in the arena of what I call exploratory fucking, which involves fucking myself. Beyond a baby-je-joue G-spot bullet vibrator and an unused pen tickler Recommended by a lovely staff member at Babeland last year, I’ve historically preferred to go au naturel: no fumbling, no fantasies, just the tried and tested index finger. Now that the shadow of that pathetic 3-0 number is looming, au natural is starting to feel too safe…too predictable. And as I said, I hadn’t shagged, and one finger doesn’t make a “fuck”.

So, for you and me, I embarked on an adventure to find out what I really like and how to get back to fucking without laying a finger on a real human (mostly men, because we really don’t need them ). . I’ve put together a beginner’s guide to some of the best sex toys, vibrators, and sucking simulators out there for people with vaginas. As a sexual newbie and someone who rarely if ever experiences vaginal orgasms — I’m a clitoral orgasm elitist — I rated each product based on its effectiveness (does it give me “ooh lala” or “my clit feels like it’s being gargled a Vacuum cleaner, call an ambulance?), discretion (can I keep her on my bedside table or is she a fat girl better suited to occupy the shadowlands?), aesthetics (is she similar to a Modigliani or a misplaced Halloween decoration ?) and creativity (did she sign up for extra points or is she the “does the bare minimum” kind?) – ranking them from good to great to the best on the show.

If you’re interested in having your heart broken men, women or whoever, it’s all to say you don’t need a partner baby. You don’t even need a human! All you need is a working outlet and a little buzz. Let’s fuck.

https://jezebel.com/i-tried-20-vibrators-here-are-the-ones-worth-swearing-1849830505 The 10 best vibrators, sex toys and sucking simulators for women

Adam Bradshaw

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