Stop “mastering” the “art” of eating out and just learn how

Once upon a time, when I was dating a boy I really wanted to be my friend, there came a moment when I realized he was spelling the alphabet into my pussy lips. Shocked by my own drunkenness, I lay wide-eyed on his stiff twin-XL mattress, offended by the kindergarten exercise taking place in my nether regions. He moved his head vigorously in all directions, his tongue flicking around like a possessed watercolor brush or a soon-to-be-dying fish. After about 20 seconds (he was on H) to put us both out of our misery, I grabbed his head and pulled him up hoping he would literally anything else would feel better than the literary injury my clit had just suffered.

I get it: figuring out how to eat pussy is hard. At least, that’s the narrative we’ve given to most things surrounding female pleasure – difficult to master, possibly non-existent, and like the vagina itself, a largely empty pursuit. For those serious about mastering the art of dining, resources have long been relegated to the sexiest corners of the internet. Much like the clitoris, you would only really find these guides if you were looking for them on purpose. But as the internet (and, I’d like to think, our sex positivity) has grownwe’ve also seen an exponential growth of guides working to demystify what makes labia owners cum.

Take this recently viral one, for example Twitter thread @angel_0f_death blessed us: It’s a simple six-part lyrical guide (“Once you find the move that does it for your partner, make it rhythm to a song in your head and gradually increase the pressure of your tongue.”) that offers you pretty much everything you are looking for. This was dropped on a Sunday, totally free, totally free and ready to go. Oh, if only more people would just take it.

While I agree with the author that the compilation is indeed an “actually worthwhile thread,” her advice sparked a storm of pussy-eating discourse: His wisdom was quickly faked by others on Twitter by posting memes about it, which you definitely aren’t should do and scoff at its very existence. For example, one guy posted a meme about food the other kind of pussywhile others faked (hopefully too dramatic) Afraid of the feat. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s men’s tendency to scoff at advice they should graciously accept instead.

My horror of connection was back in 2016, and while I’d like to attribute the lack of skill to both myself and my partner’s relative newness to sex, the robust existence of the internet doesn’t let Mr. Alphabet Tongue off that lightly. Whether they’re really helpful or not, the internet is now a kind of library of Alexandria when it comes to how to eat pussy – even a cursory search on Google will turn up plenty of results. Dare I say eating pussy is Cool Now, regardless of your gender or frequency of sexual activity, there really are no excuses for not knowing how to do it and doing it well.

Here are the most prominent and accessible how to eat pussy guides available to us today, ranked from worst to best. Bon appetit!

Read the rest of Jezebel’s Horny Week 2023 stories Here.