Kid Rock shoots cases of Bud Light after learning trans people drink beer

Okay, you need to prepare yourself for what I’m about to tell you. It might startle you. I would put away all blunt objects and set you up in a comfortable spot on your couch. There are people in parts of the world who enjoy cheap, light beer but are not male cis workers. Shocking I know. I’ve personally seen women throw back a watered down beer, and I’ve heard rumors that queer people occasionally catch a cold after a long day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to bring this twisted reality to Kid Rock’s attention, so when he learned that Dylan Mulvaney, a trans woman and TikToker, had entered into a brand partnership with Bud Light, he did what seems to have become the patriotic American thing is: took an assault rifle and pulverized three boxes of Bud Light.

Well, I may be suffering from the waking spirit virus that is slowly killing off our country’s best and brightest, but this feels like an insane overreaction to me.

“Grandpa is feeling a little playful today,” the rapper/musician/Fedora fan said in a video posted to Instagram. “Let me tell you all something and be as clear and concise as possible.” He then picked up the rifle and, like a real man with no emotional issues, ripped high-velocity bullets into beer cans at what appears to be the manicured back lawn of one of his properties, den he can afford because he writes texts like : “Bawitdaba da bang da damn diggy diggy.” He ended his post by declaring, “Fuck Bud Light and fuck Anheuser-Busch.”

Now Mr. Rock is on this violent killing spree because, as I mentioned earlier, a brand of beer he identifies with sent a trans woman individual cans with her face on them as part of their brand partnership and to celebrate Mulvaney’s year-long series Days of Girlhood, which documented her transition. Mulvaney dressed like Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany’sShe jokes that she might not be the obvious choice for a bud light partnership, not because she’s trans but because her glamorous and feminine style is at odds with the beer brand’s ready-for-anything spirit. She joked in an Instagram post: “Happy March Madness!! I just found out this has to do with exercise and not just saying it’s a crazy month!”

Anheuser-Busch was forced to defend his decision to partner with Mulvaney after growing conservative backlash. “Anheuser-Busch works with hundreds of influencers across our brands as one of many ways to authentically connect with audiences across diverse demographics and passion points,” said a spokesperson told FoxNews. “From time to time we produce unique keepsake tins for fans and brand influencers like Dylan Mulvaney. This commemorative tin was a gift to celebrate a personal milestone and is not available to the general public.” Nobody better show this to Kid Rock lest he bomb their factories or something just as outrageous.

Conservative nutcases like Kid Rock have forged these parasocial relationships with “blue collar” brands like Bud Light, which they believe are representative of their misconstructed “real American” image. Frankly, it’s as embarrassing as it is worrying. Hopefully Mulvaney and folks of all identities can uphold their inalienable American right to partner with brands that may not quite make sense but will surely deliver them a perfectly sized check. That’s my only true wish.