Herald’s Journal: When the shopper got down from his shopping cart

GARY Lineker had a rough start in life. The Leicester native must have been quick to realize there were few opportunities to play for the Scotland national football team, so he had to settle for the forward role with a couple of guys in drab white t-shirts.

Worse was to come. In his mid-thirties, he wasn’t allowed to enjoy his well-deserved retirement from kicking balls on the field.

Instead, for a few million pounds, he took on a grueling role of sitting in a comfortable chair in a television studio watching other people kick a ball across a field.

But Gary longed to be a philosopher… a statesman… an admired member of the intelligentsia…

He’s now ascended into each of those roles by spouting a few casual phrases about politics on social media.

In our egalitarian age, anyone can rise to greatness using 280 characters or fewer on Twitter to solve complex problems that have vexed mankind for centuries.

But could Gary contribute an entertaining diary yarn?

Doubtful.

As the following classic stories from our archives prove, it takes a real genius to join our gang…

Stroke while shopping

A CHAP was standing in a supermarket queue with 10 or fewer items and spotted a woman further up the line with a full shopping cart groaning with groceries.

None of the other shoppers complained, but this guy’s blood pressure rose. The cashier waved the woman forward, looked into the shopping cart and asked sweetly, “So, which 10 items would you like to buy?”

Our boy’s blood pressure was immediately restored to normal.

Box smart

It’s a shame our polling booths don’t have curtains like some American states do. We remember an American comic that claimed its voting tradition was “Step into the booth. draw curtain. Take off trousers. Wait 10 seconds. Then lean out and say, ‘Do you have these in 34?’”

You have mail

THE trays on office desks for incoming and outgoing letters are often a source of amusement. A Crieff reader had a colleague who had two letter trays on either side of his desk. One read “Ta” and the other “Ta-ta”.

wasted youth

“I don’t want to think,” explained one Byres Road student, “that I could have spent all the time I wasted on Twitter watching TV.”

Also wasted youth

A READER told us about a fellow mother at the school gate who shook her head and explained: “My daughter is 11 and has an iPhone. When I was 11, I was happy with a Cabbage Patch doll.”

Games that people play

“I’ve been out since this morning,” said one guy in a Glasgow pub, adding, “I really am a terrible Monopoly player.”

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