Herald’s Journal: Fooling some of the people all along

TODAY is April Fool’s Day. Or as they say in the Diary office: Business As Usual Day. Because all year long we celebrate the weaknesses, fumbles and stupidities of humanity.

And that’s exactly how we like it.

When we witness a successful athlete climb the podium at a prestigious sporting event, Diary staff don’t eagerly await the gold medal ceremony. We’re keeping our fingers crossed and hoping the winning geezer or girl stumbles and falls off the ledge of the pedestal. (Though we don’t want them to get hurt in the process, of course. We’re a cruel bunch, if not irrevocably evil.)

The following classic yarns from our archive show humanity at its best. Which means the worst for us.

In other words, crazy merriment not winners’ medals.

Speaking of medals…

Excuses Excuses

WHEN the 2014 Commonwealth Games were held in Glasgow, a gold medalist failed a drug test, prompting one of our readers to comment rather harshly: “You can’t ban athletes from the Games because they have traces of drugs on them. You’ve been walking through Glasgow for a fortnight.”

in summary

School exams are coming up. We remember the Bearsden parent who asked his son how his advanced math exam made him feel.

The youngster thought about that question for a moment before replying, “I think the most important thing is that we have our health.”

Smoking hot hickey

Not everyone likes cigarette puffs, it has to be said. A Lanarkshire reader told us at a New Year’s party there that at midnight a young lad kissed a girl who, with a certain disgusted look, said, ‘Euck. They smoke? It’s like kissing an ashtray.”

The guy tried to maintain his dignity by telling her, “That’s a weird hobby you have.”

Little laughter

WHEN Liverpool comedian John Bishop performed two nights at Glasgow’s Hydro, one reader who might not have been an avid fan commented on the diary: ‘They say if you’re from Liverpool you’re either a musician or a comedian. So John Bishop must be some musician.”

railway romance

WE remember the classic story of the woman at Glasgow Queen Street station who said, “Maryhill, single” at the ticket office.

So the guy behind her put his money down and said, “Alex Smith. Married.”

Maggie continues…

A READER going through airport security was behind a guy who was dawdling a bit and was well behind his wife who had already gone through. When the guy at the counter stopped him and asked for his boarding pass, the traveler explained that his wife had it and then yelled, “Margaret, come back!”

The security guard turned and said, “Margaret. Now is your chance. Run!”