Gisele Sage’s car amid Tom Brady divorce

Nothing about Gisele Bundchen is normal. The woman is a 5’11” former Victoria’s Secret angel who wants to save the rainforests and is known for magically predicting every time her soon-to-be(?) ex-husband, Mr. Tom Bundchen, will join his team a Super Bowl. She’s also worth an estimated $400 million. But right now — and I’m not trying to make you spit your drink, please take this seriously — Gisele is an everywoman. Because Gisele is go through a breakup.

On Thursday, days after gossip blogs lit up with the news that Gisele and Mr. Bundchen had both hired divorce lawyers, Gisele was spotted ringless with an “unknown holistic woman.” according to to page six. Here is her description of the encounter, which should be read in the voice of a Nat Geo wildlife documentary:

“The healer is seen burning the stick around her SUV before walking into an office with cuffs on… At one point, the woman appeared to exit her building in a prayer pose before hugging the supermodel as she left.”

Maybe Gisele isn’t her model for relatable domesticity or modern dating mishaps — but her post-breakup cleaning routine tugs at even that my Heartstrings dwelling in a dead black heart. Even if you have nothing in common with the tanned goddess, haven’t we searched every nook and cranny of our homes, cars, and souls to zap our ex’s remaining energy out of our lives? I’ll bet you she was listening to Glennon Doyle’s We can do hard things or Call her daddy or some Tinx bullshit as she straps on her ankle weights for a little Hot Girl Walk.

In case one of the most desirable and wealthy women in the world doesn’t have a thriving support system, here are a few words for you, Gisele. We see how you go through, cutie! You’re only a few dozen facials, a quiet yogi retreat, and a sound bath away from officially blowing his ass once and for all. Remember healing is not a straight line. It’s more of a… soccer field, if you will. Some days you’ll be throwing laser touchdown passes. Some days you will fumble the ball. And some days your own running back will accidentally fire you, and you’ll end up stuck face down in the mud and popping up with bits of turf in your openings, probably while the other team is taking the ball to their end zone.

But never again will you have to listen to Tom, “My place is still on the set up” Brady mumbles his routes in your kitchen or fix him up a little post-game snack. And that sounds like a Lombardi to me, baby!