FMQ’s sketch: Old Testament Terminator has Tories in raptures

With bulging cheeks that pressed his tiny eyes into his pig head, he looked like a stuffed hamster.

The reason, of course, is the SNP leadership competition, an event of which future historians will say, “Yes, they really did.”

Ever since Nicola Sturgeon stopped being the future and made it her mission to be yesterday’s news, it’s fair to say her party has been on a bit of a journey.

To Clowntown.

The culmination of the tussle between Kate Forbes, Humza Yousaf and Ash Regan was Tuesday’s hustings on STV, where harsh words were spoken and rapids of blood were shed.

Ms Forbes has been tireless in denigrating Mr Yousaf’s record. The Old Testament’s Terminator said he’d been a flop in every appearance in government and there would only be more “mediocrity” if he won.

Every word was mannah for the opposition parties and agony for those in the SNP who made a living from the fact that the party was somehow nicer than everyone else.

Hence Mr Ross’s delirium when he told Ms Sturgeon the candidates had “fired their record in government”.

Not even the weekly climate protest could dampen his spirits. He tried to drown out the shouts from the gallery, and when that failed, he only cheered twice.

“Nicola Sturgeon seemed to enjoy the beginning of my question, so I’ll repeat it,” he said, asking if she agreed with Ms Forbes that her government was stupid.

Ms Sturgeon reminded him – repeatedly – that people didn’t believe that because she had won the election “eight times in eight years”.

She says that a lot these days, like a nostalgic with teary eyes.

She was just supposed to save time and get it printed on a sepia t-shirt.

Mr Ross continued to hop on his wheel and declared there was “civil war” in the SNP. As a Civil War veteran in his own party, he should know.

He read out more of Ms. Forbes’ unhelpful comments.

“That’s a quote sorted for every future Scottish Conservative leaflet!” he squeaked.

“There is more material that we can use. Kate Forbes said, “More of the same isn’t a manifesto – it’s an acceptance of mediocrity.” FM might expect to hear that from me, but did she really expect to hear it from her own finance secretary?

She’s had enough. The claws came free with a metallic jingle.

“For Douglas Ross, mediocrity is a staggering magnitude he never came close to reaching,” she meowed.

“If he spent more time looking in the mirror and pondering the reasons for his party and his personal unpopularity, and a little less time reflecting on the SNP, perhaps he wouldn’t be in the plight he’s in.” now.”

And maybe he could lend it to her when he’s done. FMQ’s sketch: Old Testament Terminator has Tories in raptures

Grace Reader

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