Analysis: Nothing can stop it! The Woke Blob will devour us all!

You have already defeated Dominic Raab this year. Who’s next?

Well, according to a headline in the Telegraph, we could all be affected.

“The woke blob is on the verge of its greatest triumph: its ultimate takeover of Britain,” it said.

Another headline a day later warned us that The Blob “gobbles right-wing Tories like Pac-Man”.

“I didn’t really believe in The Blob until now,” a former minister told the newspaper.

We believe ‘The Blob’ first emerged in this country in 2010 when the Tories and Liberal Democrats formed the coalition government and Michael Gove wanted to reform England’s schools but was struggling to get past the educational establishment.

Although it appears to have been under Reagan, in the mid-1980s, his Secretary of Education, William Bennett, was struggling to push through his changes because of unions, officials, and academics.

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The Blob Itself — the actual Blob, not the Tory Blob — is a 1958 film about a jelly-like alien who terrorizes a small Pennsylvania town, eating everything he touches while growing bigger and bigger.

But The Blob Blob we’re talking about has transformed from a mere group of teachers and a few unions and now appears to be at least some sort of seedy cabal of leftist officials determined to thwart Tory party rights.

The blob has taken many forms over the years. There was the aforementioned Woke Blob, the Green Blob, and the Remainer Blob.

Liz Truss – you may remember her, she was briefly Secretary of State – even spoke out about The Blob in 2018 when she denounced colleagues and told them to “challenge The Blob on his interests”.

I’m pretty sure most normal people still don’t know about The Blob, but those that do probably found out about it this week, as blobbymania swept the UK for the first time since the mid-’90s.

When Raab resigned as deputy prime minister in April 2023 amid a spate of public sector bullying allegations, it wasn’t because he was being a bit too harsh on officials, it was because The Blob wanted him out.

“So Rishi Sunak gave in to the barking mob of Whitehall officials and forced the resignation of Deputy Prime Minister and Attorney General Dominic Raab,” Carole Malone wrote in the Express. “It’s a move he will long regret because now look at The Blob – who hates this Tory government and believes YOU should be making government policy, NOT our elected politicians – and is trying to overthrow every minister who dares to boo them.”

When Rishi Sunak made the decision to slow drafting the EU-remained bill rather than maniacally trying to repeal or replace 4,000 laws by the end of the year, it was clear his hand had been guided by The Blob. Not to mention that the task was nearly impossible.

“The blob wins,” tweeted Jacob Rees Mogg.

The blob wins.

— Jacob Rees-Mogg (@Jacob_Rees_Mogg) May 11, 2023

But possibly the blob’s biggest triumph came this week when Boris Johnson was referred to police by the Cabinet Office over fresh claims he had broken his own Covid lockdown rules by sending friends and family to Checkers.

An ally of the former Prime Minister accused Oliver Dowden of being “a compliant tool of The Blob”.

Of course, considering The Blob as one thing is wrong. The blob is everywhere. control everything.

How do you recognize The Blob? You can not.

Maybe you’re controlled by The Blob. Maybe you are actually part of The Blob.

As with all the most bizarre conspiracy theories, there was likely a kernel of truth at some point. No doubt there are officials and stakeholders who do not like change.

But they stopped being The Blob a long time ago. Now the blob…

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